Because it hurts
by sphinxofthenile
Summary: What could bring two people closer than the grief they share? RaoulKatze  Warning: nongraphic, consentual sex and serious angst, MM


A/N: This was written on request. One of my friends wanted a R/K, so I wrote it even though I know they are totally impossible to pair up canonically. (No matter how some of us wish they would get together.) Turned into something I never imagined it would. Sorry, dear, it's not your daily smut. But hey! It's still R/K, right?  
Period: set after the events of the anime  
Disclaimer: I do not own them, Rieko Yoshihara does. I make no money out of this, so please don't sue! I also don't own the song Prison sex by TOOL. I'm just borrowing it, clearly without permission.  
Feedback: Yes, PLEASE! If you liked it or not, tell me why! Pretty please?

First part has Raoul's thoughts (in italics), and the second has Katze's (also in italics).

* * *

"I'm treading water, I need to sleep a while,  
My lamb and martyr, you look so precious,  
Won't you, won't you come a bit closer,  
close enough so I can smell you,  
I need you to feel this,  
I can't stand to burn too long,  
Released in this sodomy,  
For one sweet moment I am whole." 

Amber eyes dart open and emerald ones fall shut as pale lips grace ivory skin, golden locks mingling with bright mahogany strands. Two breaths melting into one, two hearts pounding against each other, only a thin layer of liquid fire in between.

Hours… Aeons.

Two hearts so broken, so torn that there is no blood left to spill, going down into the flames to forge them whole, to steel them together, these two pitiable souls that have lost so much.

_Make me whole again. Through fire, through passion; bone against bone, flesh against flesh, in your heart, in your eyes… from my bleeding fragments, make me whole once again._

In the darkness of the room there is no conscience, no thought, just empty shells of men, and the constraint to breathe, to hold, to belong.

To move, ocean against the shores, white, glittering; wind against the skies, clouds drifting through endless azure depths. Running on strict paths, yet so freely…

Waves and wind.

_Make me understand. Make me feel. Make me forget. Make me forgive. Heal me…_

_Fire in my lungs, my veins; hate, anger and pain, and there's nowhere to run, no work, no sleep can ease this, and I'm choking, burning up and falling down._

_Make me forget. Can you taste the ashes in my mouth? The despair in my tears? Self-hatred in my words? I'm feverish inside, put your cold hands on my soul, like a mother to her child, a sick child, a dieing child…_

In his strong arms the other seems so fragile, so easy to break, and he holds him closer, tighter to hurt and protect, to enslave and to set free. Free from this haunting nightmare of the circles they call their lifes.

Circles in circles, never meeting, never touching…

_Katze… beautiful Katze…_

He is the white glove of defiance he is slapping across the other's faces.

_Taint me, corrupt me, vanish me. I have everything… and nothing._

_Hide me, shield me from my pain, let me use you. Forgive me… and let me sin again, because your body is the bandage that stops me from bleeding…_

He never knew he could hurt like this. He was supposed to be strong. He was supposed to be perfect, like carefully cut diamonds, pure, bright, unbreakable. Never this, never like this...

_Extinguish the blaze in my eyes, I'm on fire, cover me from the heat, from the hurt. Wash my face clean with snow, lull me to sleep forever… Bury me in your heart, a winter that no awakening will follow..._

_Hold me close, love me, hate me, despise me… and stay forever. Hold on to me as I'm falling, never let go, for I know… following Iason's path, it won't take long…_

_

* * *

_

Weiling depths. He never thought the other was capable of feeling. Feeling so deeply. He was wrong and now he knows. Where he used to see steel, there is nothing but marble and gold.

_Raoul… strength and weakness…_

There is nothing but a man.

_I feel so small, hold me in the palm of your hands, in your arms, in your soul._

_Hurt me more than my own heart does, send away the pain with pain…_

The man holding him in his arms seems so strong, so powerful, but now he sees more, so much more than before, and he secretly cries for him, cries for him more than he does for himself, mourning this beautiful angel thrown into hell.

_Unfold the wings I didn't know I had..._

_Ravish me, use me, break me and weld me… Keep me safe as my world divides, as it fells apart. Silence my screams with your fierce kisses, shine into the icy caverns of my heart, melt me, ravage me._

_I am the shore. Wash me clean with your thrusts, with that sinful black desire burning through your flesh like sunshine on the golden strands of your hair…_

Gentle kisses are caressing his ivory skin, and he can smell sweat, desire, the sunshine scented hair, and as the velvet lips reach his mouth, he can taste tears.

_I'm so alone, I am broken, fix me, secure me. I can't make it by myself, I can't make it on my own. Shut the world out, melt the crystallized pain in my soul, breathe fire in my lungs, fill my veins with rushing heat so I can burn away the memories…_

_I'm so cold…_

An explosion of hot-white light redempts him for a short time of suffering.

_Close my eyes with your gentle fingers when exhausted we lay side by side, cover the shrieking abyss in my eyes with your hands… I'm lost… Lost in a land of empty winds…_

A whirlpool of endless darkness, two hearts beating silently together in what seems eternity... Pearls. Twin moons. Bonded by myth, bonded by blood. Forever.

_Keep my heart pounding, in unison with yours…_

Two broken souls in the darkness, two men, sharing an embrace that alone anchors their sanity, holding onto each other as their dreams and beliefs shatter. There are so many haunting questions without answers… But there is only one they never talk about - _when?_ Both of them knows, the end is just a matter of time… And they hold on to each other desperately tight as they sleep, ivory skin covered by a cascade of golden hair.

„You're breathing so I guess you're still alive,  
even if signs seem to tell me otherwise,  
Won't you, won't you come just a bit closer,  
close enough so I can smell you,  
I need you to feel this,  
I need this to make me whole,  
Release in this sodomy,  
For I am your witness that blood and flesh can be trusted,  
And only this one holy medium brings me peace of mind.

I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this

My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon.  
You look so precious now.  
You look so precious."


End file.
